- to the immortal Kellyanne Conway -
When reality doesn’t go the way
the blowhard in charge expects,
he gets his team of pundits to play
that game called “alternative facts.”
Said Brutus, when called to account
for all his recent murderous acts,
"Make haste, Centurian. Please announce
I've got some alternative facts."
When Medicis write their history
that Machiavelli redacts,
they bury Florentine misery
neck-deep in alternative facts.
When Milton had filled Inferno
with fiery pools and torture racks,
he said, "Speak, Lucifer! Be sure to spare no
strong, alternative facts!"
When the father of our country, caught red-handed
with that smoking axe...
but no, honest George – he never depended
on alternative facts.
When Parliament needed a reason
to impose a new crippling tax,
they announced it would be treason
to deny their alternative facts.
When the Archduke's murder vomited stenches
of moldy Hapsburg pax,
the nations sent their men to the trenches
armed with alternative facts.
And when it’s learned that Woodward and Bernstein
are eavesdropping in the stacks,
old Nixon hungers ‘til he’s lean
for a few more alternative facts.
When Clinton’s caught with his zipper down
in a flight of embarrassed sex,
you know he’ll bullshit his way around
the press with alternative facts.
So let no one be shocked when Donald J. Trump
sends out his abler hacks
to squat on the stage and take a dump
chock-full of alternative facts!