Baby Hands, you’re driving ‘em crazy
with all your random, rotten lies.
But why that look so cramped and uneasy?
Don’t shift or apologize!
Your spokesperson’s crafted a new technique
she’s dubbed “alternative facts.”
It’ll get you through each security leak,
cover up secret pacts
with hoods and Russian oligarchs,
and stall the work of the IRS.
Let old Dan Rather cry foul. Still, it marks
you in with the right-wing press!
Anyway, who’s to say that truth is right
and that falsehood’s simply wrong.
They’ve been alternatives since God made night
and Judas made Jesus strong.
A third of the nation adores you.
They’re just fine with your shady plans!
But with the rest your work’s cut out for you
and your groping baby hands!